Type of course? Tough and meandering up and down the rugged Carregueira hills

Pleasant staff? Yes

Best hole? The 18th. The end of the ordeal

Après golf? There is a café, but we just needed to get the hell outta there

Nice round? The first four holes are designed to break your spirit. Each of them either plunges into a deep valley or climbs towards a distant peak. Going from the green to the next tee involves a hike along a path that twists and turns amongst hostile rocky terrain. On the way in, I saw lots of goats grazing around, but there were none to be seen on the course. The only wildlife was some kind of vulture circling overhead and probably poisonous snakes waiting to pounce. There were no signs giving any information about what’s ahead, no benches to rest our weary bones, no ball cleaner to give the satisfaction of hitting something vaguely white, no nice man in a buggy giving the reddening turistas free water as was the case at Penha Longa, no respite from the relentless Portuguese sun. This was not conducive to great golf. After 9 holes and 9 points (5 for my partner), we were on the verge of a mega tantrum and the temptation to storm out was almost irresistible. Thankfully, we didn’t and we had a much better back 9, which is a lot more compact and pleasant

Special memory? Losing three good balls on the third hole

Must play again? Please god no. You can’t make me. Not without a buggy